


Carry You

by exactly13percent (superagentwolf)



Series: The AU Court [2]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, References and Implications are Canon-Compliant and Vague
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-23
Updated: 2018-06-23
Packaged: 2019-05-27 14:21:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15026552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/superagentwolf/pseuds/exactly13percent
Summary: Neil doesn't come out of his class. Andrew was waiting.





	Carry You

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: canon-compliant [vague abuse/torture references]  
> AU:canon-divergent  
> Song: Carry You by Novo Amor

Neil is supposed to be there.

He’s supposed to be in the doorway of his class and he’s not. Neil is not there. He is not there when he’s supposed to be and Andrew doesn’t see him anywhere.

A familiar burn creeps up on him. It surges through his blood like fire and consumes everything in its path. Andrew breathes in and it only fans the flame. He can feel people part around him but he can’t move.

“Andrew?”

Kevin is cautious and Andrew feels as if he is suspended in static.

This is wrong. This is all wrong.

He should not be here again; he should not be here, without Neil. He should not be coming back to an empty space. He can’t get all of the words out. Andrew says, “He’s not here.”

Kevin frowns. He looks toward the classroom and it takes a moment for realization to enter his features. He curses and Andrew barely hears it.

“Hey. What’s going on?” Matt asks. He’s frozen mid-stride, a backpack slung over his shoulder. He should be going to class.

“Neil’s gone,” Kevin says.

_Again._

Matt’s entire face changes. Andrew registers the pain and fear there, and then the anger. The rage. Matt has never looked mean or dangerous, but now, he looks like both. “Has anyone called Wymack? Check the bathroom.”

Kevin spins toward the restrooms and Andrew clenches his fist around his phone. He wants to call but he knows Neil won’t answer. He called once, before. It took him all night to work up to it and then, after Neil didn’t answer, the FBI called them.

Andrew dials without looking. He watches Kevin emerge from the bathroom, a whirlwind of determination. Matt gestures for them to follow him outside. They start to walk toward the dorms and Andrew imagines he’ll see Neil, somehow halfway down the path already. That maybe Andrew just missed him, or maybe he left class early.

Anything else. Anything but this.

“What is it?” Wymack asks, when he picks up. He sounds tense.

Of course, he does.

Andrew doesn’t like the words. He has to say them. “Neil. He’s gone, from class. If he made it.”

“Shit. Stay on campus,” Wymack says, stern. “Don’t fucking move—”

“Too late,” Andrew says. He hangs up.

They get halfway past the cafeteria before Matt sees Aaron sitting at a table with Katelyn. Matt takes a sharp turn and Andrew wants to pull him by his hair and redirect him.

They have to find Neil.

“Have you seen Neil?” Matt asks.

Aaron frowns. He’s about to say some shit, but then he finds Andrew and his eyes change. He probably recognizes the look in the face that’s so much the same and different from his own. His response is tense. “No. I—”

“I think I saw him,” Katelyn says suddenly. She looks nervous—her eyes dart to Andrew—but she continues. “He was talking to a man in a suit. I only saw the guy from behind, but he was kind of tall. Dark hair.”

Kevin chokes. He goes pale and Andrew wants to throttle him again. His fingers itch.

Matt turns just enough to put half his body in front of Andrew, between him and Kevin. It won’t do much to stop Andrew, but it would give him time. Enough to get an answer.

“Who?” Matt demands. Kevin shakes his head; he is weak, so weak, and Andrew wants to hit it out of him.

Kevin chokes on the truth and Andrew almost loses it. “I—it had to be Ichirou. It had to—”

Matt swears. He takes off down the sidewalk and Aaron follows. Andrew doesn’t have the time to care about it. All he can think of is Neil after Christmas; Neil after medication and Proust, Neil with a tattoo under his bandage and more scars than it seemed possible to carry. Neil’s jump when someone jostled him from a half-asleep state. Neil as he stared out a window, losing track of time but pretending everything was fine.

He wonders how bad it would be if Ichirou was the one doing the damage.

They see the black car from a distance. It looks to Andrew like a hearse, with too much room at the back.

That’s where Neil is, he thinks, and he runs faster.

He imagines Neil, would could outrun anyone. Neil, who would be there already if it were Andrew in the car.

The car starts to move and Andrew feels his mouth open. He wonders if he is going to scream. He hears Matt curse and wants to tell him to save his breath. Andrew wants to vomit.

He is about to watch everything disappear before him—

—but—

—but then, the car moves further and all he sees is the back of a red-brown head of hair and tense shoulders.

He’s almost afraid— _afraid_ —to turn Neil around. Andrew is almost terrified that he’s going to see another departure, with Neil turning to reveal a bullet in his chest or a knife in his neck.

There are too many ways for him to die.

Neil turns and Andrew catches the tail end of his expression; relief, resignation, and the cold trickle of mortal fear.

Is this how he looked, when he went away to Baltimore?

“Thank God,” Matt gasps. “Jesus—”

Neil looks shocked. It lasts for a second and resolves into an expression of uneasiness. He probably wants to look toward the departed car, but he forces his attention to the Foxes before him. “What—”

“It was him,” Kevin interrupts. There is no chance for lies. “He was here. Why was he here?”

There is no immediate answer. Neil blinks and Andrew can tell that he is far away. Too far. “I need to see Wymack. Kevin—you too.”

“This is about all of us—” Aaron starts to say, but Andrew is done waiting. He can’t.

“Go,” he says lowly. He passes his keys to Matt. “Start the car.”

Matt hesitates. Andrew turns to look at him. “I won’t ask again.”

The danger must be obvious. Matt leaves after he sends Neil a lingering look; Aaron and Kevin follow.

Neil—

—Neil.

He is there. He is in front of Andrew, but none of this is right. It can’t be.

“And—”

“Stop,” Andrew says. He holds a hand up. He presses it to Neil’s cheek; he feels the warm skin there. He has the sudden urge to grip too hard and he pulls away to stop himself. He wants to crush Neil in his hands—wants to make him pocket-sized and untouchable, just so he can keep Neil safe and hidden.

Neil looks back at him and the pain in his eyes hurts. It shouldn’t be able to, but it hurts Andrew.

“I’m sorry. I’m—”

“Don’t.”

“I am sorry,” Neil repeats, firm. “I’m sorry, and I need to say it. I know I didn’t ask for him to come, but—”

“But nothing,” Andrew says. His hands are in the air again.

This time, Andrew finds Neil’s neck with his hands. He holds him carefully. He can feel a pulse beneath his fingertips and he counts each beat with his breaths.

“Can I touch you?” Neil asks. Quiet.

“Yes.”

Neil’s arms slide around his shoulders. He never holds the way Andrew has been held before. It’s not the restraint of padded straps, or crushing hands around his wrists. Neil holds him like something that should be cared for. Something precious.

There is almost too much. Almost.

With nothing between him and the world, Andrew feels raw. The fear and panic that had flooded him are like fire; the relief is a soft breeze.

What he feels when Neil holds him is indescribable. It’s maybe lightning, static and crackling against his skin, but it’s not painful. Maybe it’s clouds—there and not there.

Maybe it’s something entirely different.

“I would never leave,” Neil says. His voice is low and soft.

“Don’t say that.”

“It’s the truth.”

Andrew knots his fists into Neil’s jacket. Maybe he wants to be rough or angry, but he can’t. Not when Neil is there, substantial, _not gone_.

“Don’t ever fucking go with them like that again,” Andrew says lowly.

Neil’s head rests on his shoulder, gently. Andrew feels Neil close his eyes; eyelashes brush against his neck softly. “I can’t promise that, if—”

“Don’t,” Andrew says, sharp. “I don’t need saving.”

“Maybe,” Neil admits. “But the rest?”

Andrew wants to say he doesn’t give a shit. He wants to say they don’t matter—that Seth could never be as important to him as this. As Neil’s kisses on the rooftop, or his truth, or the annoying way he looks at Andrew like he’s a child looking at the universe.

Instead, he curls his fists tighter. He thinks about how Neil can’t not care about the people he loves and how Neil has so much love. So much, when he should have none. When he should hate and bite and be inhuman from all the cruelty he’s suffered.

He shouldn’t be kind. But he is.

Neil would not be Neil if he didn’t have the Foxes to care about. Andrew knows this, somehow. He knows it and he knows he can’t hate Neil for that.

Because Andrew is a Fox, too.

“I’m coming,” Andrew says.

Neil nods. There is no argument from him. “Okay.”

They go to the car where the others are waiting. Neil says a quiet thanks to Aaron and Matt, who stays a moment to speak quietly to Neil and pull him into a quick hug. Aaron and Matt leave and Kevin silently takes the back seat while Andrew drives and Neil leans against the window.

Andrew still isn’t entirely in the present, but he’s closer. Neil reached him, like he always does, and Andrew can’t hate that.

He can’t hate that he cares about Neil, no matter how hard he tries.

* * *

“I thought you would tell us.”

Neil looks up from his bed. His backpack is in a heap in the corner; he only just threw it there. He was planning on finding Andrew on the rooftop, until he remembered that Andrew would be in class for another few hours.

“What?”

“After…” Matt trails off and then presses his lips together. After Baltimore, he doesn’t explain. “I thought you would tell us, if something happened.”

“I would. I will,” Neil says. “I didn’t know he would come. I didn’t know I’d live if I walked away.”

“That’s why we’re here,” Matt says. He looks serious in a way he usually doesn’t. Neil wonders if this is the part of him that managed to stay sober, after meeting Dan. “We’re family. Remember?”

He remembers. He knows it. He feels it so much it’s painful, but he isn’t sure how to say that.

Instead, he says, “It was about Kevin and Jean. I wanted to tell them first—and it isn’t about the team. I just wanted to be safe.”

Matt is quiet. Neil feels an unfamiliar cold in his chest—it reminds him of the sick feeling when he was shot; a creeping threat of death. He wonders if this is what failing someone feels like.

“Neil?” Matt sounds concerned. Neil wonders if he did something with his face again, like when Nicky tried to give him a present. “Shit. I’m not—listen, it’s fine. I’m not angry. I’m not blaming you. I was just worried.”

Neil nods. The chill lingers, but he’s used to it. Matt frowns and comes closer, but he walks like he’s approaching a bird. Something that will fly away if he gets too close. “It’s okay. Okay? I get it. You were right to tell them first. I just want you to know that I’ll help you. No matter what.”

No matter what. Neil wants to tell him not to promise something like that and then he realizes how much like Andrew he would sound.

This is what accepting love is like, he thinks. This is how hard it is and how much it means.

“Okay,” Neil says.

It’s okay.

* * *

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“I know.”

“You…you never have to…” Kevin tries to explain, but he’s frustrated halfway through and he throws his backpack at his desk.

Neil watches a plastic cup tilt and spill pencils all over the floor. He feels like laughing. It’s inappropriate given the situation, but he feels half a smile escape anyway.

Kevin sees the smile and his expression changes. Instead of frustration, there’s only confusion. A need to understand. He opens his mouth and closes it again. He shakes his head and tries to speak.

“How?” he asks. Another quiet, near-hopeless question. Neil feels a rush of something—not pity, not discomfort—and he tries to take a second to find the right word for it.

He can’t. So instead, he lets it guide him. Neil steps up to Kevin and remembers for a second the height difference. This should be awkward, he thinks, but it doesn’t feel that way. Neil opens his arms and reaches for Kevin’s shoulders.

Maybe it’s a little awkward, but only because Kevin is taller.

“I care too much not to do something,” Neil says simply. Kevin is stiff in his arms for a long minute, but then he seems to relax. Just a little—nothing revolutionary—but it’s enough.

It is enough for Neil to feel Kevin unwind a little. It’s enough to loosen the bonds just a little more.

Neil gave all he could, before Baltimore. That hasn’t changed. If he can win freedom for Kevin—and even Jean—he will.

That doesn’t just mean negotiating with Ichirou.

Kevin sighs. “It still doesn’t make sense.”

“No,” Neil agrees. He smiles a little and closes his eyes. Kevin is holding him. “But maybe it doesn’t have to.”

* * *

He finds Andrew smoking on the roof.

Neil let him come back and disappear for an hour, before he made his way up. He wanted to let Andrew have his space, but also doesn’t want to leave him with space for too long. Not after what happened.

Andrew sits near the edge, knees bent toward his chest and an arm slung over one. He has a cigarette in one hand.

“Are you done comforting the masses?”

Neil lowers himself next to Andrew. The roof feels damp, maybe from fog or light rain, and his hand slips a little.

Andrew grabs his arm without warning. His grip is tight and then he immediately lets go.

“Thank you for saving me,” Neil says. It should be funny that it holds twice the meaning, now, but he’s too worried to think so.

That cold feeling is still there.

Andrew stares at him. “It’s not enough that you got into a fucking car with him—now you’re trying to throw yourself off the fucking roof? You could make things less difficult for me, you know.”

There. In the way Andrew’s displeased frown doesn’t extend to his eyes. The way his hand is still in midair, like he wants to touch but thinks he’s done something wrong.

Neil isn’t cold anymore.

“I thought you liked interesting,” Neil says. He turns to sit cross-legged, facing Andrew. He leans forward a little. Watches the flicker in Andrew’s hazel eyes and the way he drinks Neil in like a parched man.

Andrew shakes his head. “Interesting. Not difficult.”

“But you’re difficult all the time.”

“Exactly.”

Neil smiles. It’s a small thing without humor; he feels more relief than he feels like teasing Andrew. There’s no playfulness left in him for the night. He is only a bundle of nerves and relief. A tangle of complicated feelings and the simplest thing he’s ever felt in his life.

Andrew lifts his hand without question or prompting. He holds Neil’s chin carefully. “Yes or no?”

“Yes.”

Andrew kisses him like he’s trying to reassure himself that Neil is there. His hand stays where it is, asking Neil to stay just a little longer.

Neil wants to say he’s not leaving, that he never could. He tries to say it when he rests his hands on Andrew’s chest and tries to feel the heartbeat beneath his shirt. When he gets dizzy from the kisses and thinks his pulse has started to match Andrew’s.

Most times, Andrew kisses like he’s fighting for something. Now, he’s softer. This is as gentle as he has ever been—more careful than even the hotel, when Andrew was cuffed and pulled the bandages off Neil’s face.

It feels like it breaks Neil’s heart and reassembles it at the same time.

“You’re an idiot,” Andrew says, when he pulls back. He says it, but his voice is quiet and he’s still holding Neil’s face in his hand. He’s still looking at the lips he just kissed.

Neil leans forward a little—just enough to rest his forehead against Andrew’s. “You like idiots.”

“No, I don’t.”

Neil smiles. “You like me.”

“Don’t know why,” Andrew says. He’s probably trying to sound disgruntled, but the response is fond.

Neil feels warm. Warmer and warmer, with a hand on his face and a memory on his mouth. He closes his eyes and counts the heartbeats beneath his palms. He counts to ten before Andrew’s hand moves to his neck and he opens his eyes long enough to see Andrew’s face before he kisses him again.

They’re still not perfect. They’re still trying to figure each other out, but this is the one thing they don’t have to worry about. The one thing that doesn’t take any worries or overthinking.

Loving Andrew isn’t a question or a problem. It’s a fact and it’s simple, so long as Neil lets it be.

After all the shit he’s put up with in his life, he thinks it’s nice to finally let something like this happen. He thinks they both deserve it.

Happiness, and love.

**Author's Note:**

> I dont know where the fluff went send help
> 
> thank you for sticking with me!!!! i hope this is even half as interesting as the rest of the series and i look forward to continuing for a long time!


End file.
